thanksgiving

Friday November 28

“Keeping you company in the kitchen while you warm up delicious leftovers from Cuz-giving!”

How do YOU know they were delicious? Well..I was there and you’re damn right they were. I got to use our industrial size microwave that has been the only microwave I have ever known. That microwave would make my Papaw’s ‘old 88 Camry blush with the glow of a maiden by comparison. But my GOD does it heat up food. I’m assuming that due to its age and effectiveness that this product contains chemicals or other unknown substances known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Just guessing. I mean, look how I turned out.

Sunday November 23

“Mopping the kitchen floor after making 3 sweet potato casseroles, 3 spinach Madeline casseroles & 3 loaves of cranberry orange bread today. Made extra 1 of each casserole for you all to have at the cuzette’s Thanksgiving celebration!

Jackpot. This is what I’m talking about, people. You know, I guess if you’re already making SIX baked goods, what’s three more? And if you’re already making nine baked goods, you might as well mop the kitchen floor, right? Hell, I’d say move on to some light yardwork. Those fall leaves aren’t going to pickup themselves. And if you’re gonna do the yardwork, I’d guess now’s good time to sell some old stuff on Ebay, rotate your tires, and convert the garage into a dance studio.

This year for Thanksgiving, my parents will be out of town again, so my sis, my cousins, and I are taking over the house for a cousin-style rager. And not to get into semantics, mom, but we’re calling it Cuz-giving. And yes, I’m buying a pre-cooked turkey from Ingles and it is going to be awesome. Judge me not, fair reader, for while you are shitting a brick over whether you’re “doing it right” I will be basking in the glory of doing it wrong. This time its my way, my way or the highway. I almost got a frozen Turducken just to go for gold. Next year.

Also thanks so much for the casseroles, mom. We probably would have just had Lean Pockets Roasted Turkey w/ Bacon and Cheese.

Saturday November 22

“Coming home from second trip to grocery this weekend after deciding today to bring homemade treats to grandma at our Thanksgiving trip as a part of her Christmas gift!”

Oh my god, Mom. I asked you to text me what you were doing, not provide me with comedy gold EVERY TIME.

You know, she could have avoided this. She could have done the second trip before 10pm, but my guess is that SHE WAS TOO BUSY. You didn’t read me wrong, folks, my mom’s Saturday was too busy for her to go the grocery store. The grocery. godDAMN store. Probably making Thanksgiving shit for my Grandma. So NOW, my mom is going BACK to the store so she can buy more supplies to produce yet another round of “homemade treats” for my grandma.  Remember when I talked about my mom being prepared? This is the kind of malarky I’m talking about. People say “do your Christmas shopping early” and she actually does it! Still, once Christmas actually rolls around she’ll somehow be busy doing other things.

Ya’ll… the beginning of the end has come. The Holidays are upon us. Break out your re-usable cookie tins, fill up your tupperwares, and go ahead and ask my mom for one more thing. Because odds are, she’s already doing it.

Friday November 21

“Grocery Shopping for supplies for making some dishes for Thanksgiving this weekend!”

Here she goes, kids. Its action time. I don’t even want to know what or how many dishes are getting prepped this weekend. Okay okay, I do want to know, but only in a sadistic kind of way.

You know how everyone gives out good advice, and nobody ever listens? Yeah me neither, who are these jerks? No…what I mean is, you know how in magazines or whatever everyone says like “10 tips to make your Thanksgiving easier” my mom actually just does that shit. She is so prepared. People say to prepare your thanksgiving stuff in advance so all you have to do is heat it up. For my last five years, that usually means I make ONE THING the morning-of before I head over to an orphan potluck where, mostly, people bring ample beer as their contribution.