Special Edition: Berta’s Big Day Out

Thursday October 30

Berta’s (still) in town! After prepping their journey, mom and Berta have hit the town. I got two updates from their shenanigans.

Text #1—7:33 pm

“With Roberta in Asheville having marguerites & just got her hair done today at Debbies!”

Finally, Berta got her marguerite fix. My mom included a picture text exactly like this with Roberta poised beside her margarita in a tex-mex restaurant. She’s sipping from the straw with the biggest “I just got my hair did” shit-eating grin on her face.

One thing that I believe some people have lost in this world is ways of saying “yes” to alcohol. If you ask Roberta if she wants some more wine/margarita/fireball she doesn’t say “line ‘em up, lets get cray tonight.” She says “Oh, that would be fine.” And then her eyes light up like Cave of Wonders and down it goes. You can tell she enjoys it, but she doesn’t scream across the bar “We run this shit!” Everyone below 30, take note. No…everyone below 60. I’ve run into you fifty-fiver Orthodontist from Atlanta, and you’re worse.

Text #2—10:21pm

“Helping Roberta re-try on clothes from our shopping trip & turning up the pant legs so I can hem them up to be shorter to fit her!”

Not only is my mom taking this frail, beautiful, sub-five footer shopping, she’s turning her effing pants up! Good god. What a day out. Hair did, pants hemmed, and buzzed. 

Wednesday October 29

“Watching the last game of the World Series and talking with Roberta about our shopping plans tomorrow!”

My dad is probably yelling. Not because he’s a Royals fan or even really a Giants fan, he just really loves to yell at the TV, and sports seem to be his best outlet. I’ve heard him issue death threats using players’ names before. Football season is now in full swing, and Basketball is just around the corner, so now my dad can spend some quality time raising his blood pressure and not have to endure HOURS of what amounts to basically the more motivated version of golf. Summer is a tough season for him. Golf, Nascar, Baseball, Bachelor in Paradise—its an entertainment desert, people.

On to shopping plans! Roberta and Mom are definitely gonna hit up ALL the hot spots. TJ Maxx, Marshalls, maybe even Belk if they’re feeling feisty. Apparently, Berta LOVES going to Marshalls. Every time she visits and she signs up for a Marshalls card. The problem is that if you don’t use your Marshalls card for six months, they delete your account. Berta doesn’t come around that often, so EVERY time she goes, she tries her old Marshalls card and realizes that shit ain’t gonna work. Then she does all the paperwork to get a new Marshalls Card. Its not like you and me doing paperwork, she’s eighty effing nine. It takes like half the trip. But then, finally, they take advantage of all the super sweet deals, grab an Icee from Target, skip back to the car in their brand new blouses and say “let’s do it all again!”