Its a Christmas sweater WITH bells, probably.

Friday December 19. 10:45pm

“Helping party guests find their coats & washing out dishes so they can take their food home or have it shared with us to keep!”

‘Twas the weekend before christmas, and all through the house. All the staff members were drinking, some got on their blouse. All the mattresses have been juggled in the bedrooms with care in hopes that Berta’s mailed presents soon will be there. And my mom in her sparkly christmas sweater and I in my fleece-lined cap have made up a little ditty, a very short rap. The decorations are up, so its time to get doown. And to add to the melee, my bro is in town.

“Church staff party, what WHAT! Let’s do this shit.”

–probably what my mom said to welcome her guests.

The Flying Karamazov Mothers

Thursday December 18. 10:19pm

“Switching out guest bedroom from double bed to queen size bed to get ready for your brother’s visit!”

My parents are professional mattress jugglers.  They will go to obscene lengths to make sure a guest’s bedding is up to par. For Roberta (Berta for the hip ones), she is so short that they remove the box spring from her mattress so she can get on the bed easier. A long time ago, my parents made a solemn oath that if we ever visited and didn’t find their bedding comfortable, that we MUST tell them about it. This was in response to several uncomfortable sleeping situations which shall not be spoken of here lest they summon evil spirits.

They have one extra mattress per bed, which enables the mattress juggling. Of course, you’re probably thinking of the Flying Karamazov Brothers and its a little more Laurel and Hardy moving a piano.

Good luck to them.


Monday November 24

“Filling Christmas gift baskets to take to Grandma, Aunts when we visit for Thanksgiving!”


Is it enough to deliver a gift? No. What about a few different gifts? Don’t make me smack you… up your game. Well what about if you wrap them individually and deliver them with love and care? Are you fucking kidding me!? Put that shit in a basket, you idiot! Add a bow! And also some straw-like material made by (I assume) the people that make that easter grass (they don’t make anything else). Make some ribbon curls using that trick with the scissor blades! Then drop it like its hot.

The only thing more mom-ish for the holidays than a gift basket is a cookie tray. You mean like a whole sleeve of chewy Chips-A-Hoy? NO, YOU horrid INGRATE, its like, 8 different kinds of sweets, ALL homemade arranged attractively like a deli meat and cheese thing. Once you get those delivered to your front door, its ON. You are marked for life. Mark your calendar, because from now on you’re doomed to receive delicious treats on a yearly basis, and to feel like you should be reciprocating. Its a lot like receiving the black spot from a pirate.