Sunday December 7

“Putting out Christmas decorations, pulling the Cajun Night Before Christmas book off the book shelf to display with the alligator puppet!”

If it sounds like she’s speaking in code, she is—this her morse code.

My mom has, like, twenty different “christmas” or “holiday” or “Pier 1 and Martha Stewart vomiting up glitter” displays sprinkled lovingly throughout the house. My plan for a very special Holiday edition of momWHATareyoudoing is to document several of these christmas marvels for the world to see. The sooner the better, I know. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure the world is ready for it, but, like little Ralphie coming down the stairs in the bunny suit, its important that we all see it at least once.

In case you’re wondering, the Cajun Night Before Christmas book is exactly what it sounds like.

Tuesday December 2

“Stringing popcorn & cranberries for the tree while catching up with your Dad after coming home from women’s dinnner at Carrabba’s”

My parents string up popcorn and cranberries on the tree every year. EVERYstab-your-thumb-a-zillion-timesYEAR. When its popcorn and cranberry time, its like being in Santa’s workshop. Not like Santa’s workshop in the movies. Like the REAL santa’s workshop in industrial China. Oh sure, there’s a holiday movie on to perk the spirit, but then the popcorn and cranberries come out. Before long your fingers are covered in cranberry juice and/or your own blood. You can’t tell which, and you don’t care because Charlie Brown is picking out the wrong tree AGAIN! Seriously, who picks that tree? There had to be at least one other live one on the lot. Even I would smack Charlie brown if he came back with that tree. It’s shorter than YOU, Charlie Brown, and you’re a CHILD.

The popcorn and cranberries are a serious undertaking to cover an 8 foot tree. My parents insist that their ceiling is 8 feet tall so they’ve gotta overshoot it and go for a 10 foot tree. “We can always make a wreath with the extra trimmings!” You could make another christmas tree with the extra trimmings. One that is far better than that piece of shit Charlie Brown went for. I’m just saying, Charles Shulz, I don’t think he was that big of a dumb ass.

Saturday November 22

“Coming home from second trip to grocery this weekend after deciding today to bring homemade treats to grandma at our Thanksgiving trip as a part of her Christmas gift!”

Oh my god, Mom. I asked you to text me what you were doing, not provide me with comedy gold EVERY TIME.

You know, she could have avoided this. She could have done the second trip before 10pm, but my guess is that SHE WAS TOO BUSY. You didn’t read me wrong, folks, my mom’s Saturday was too busy for her to go the grocery store. The grocery. godDAMN store. Probably making Thanksgiving shit for my Grandma. So NOW, my mom is going BACK to the store so she can buy more supplies to produce yet another round of “homemade treats” for my grandma.  Remember when I talked about my mom being prepared? This is the kind of malarky I’m talking about. People say “do your Christmas shopping early” and she actually does it! Still, once Christmas actually rolls around she’ll somehow be busy doing other things.

Ya’ll… the beginning of the end has come. The Holidays are upon us. Break out your re-usable cookie tins, fill up your tupperwares, and go ahead and ask my mom for one more thing. Because odds are, she’s already doing it.