Tuesday December 16

“Arriving home from Dine with Nine, cleaning up from cookie baking late this afternoon!”

She’ll sneak that cookie baking in anytime. Like some people are into knitting, my mother is into baking. She brings a dough ball with her in her purse and busts it out during idle moments of the day. She’ll just knead it, or, if she has some extra time, she’ll roll it out and cut it into star shapes while she waits at the doctor’s office.

Wednesday November 12

“Taking cranberry apple pie out of the oven to take to a thanksgiving theme lunch meeting tomorrow. Third pie to make this week, took pecan & cranberry Apple to Dine with Nine”

Wow I’m overwhelmed just typing that. By thanksgiving-themed lunch, I assume she just means Thanksgiving. Its the only assumption you can make based on the quality of baked goods. My idea of a thanksgiving-themed lunch meeting is, at best: sliced deli turkey; Kraft stove-top stuffing; and, hey, since we need someone to really chip in, I’ll bring my special cranberry sauce! Where is this “lunch meeting” and who the hell is going? I can guarantee you they ain’t bringing anything that comes close to this. Bet you twenty bucks some d-wad is bringing, like, a plate of brie and crackers, but they’re organic so they try to pass it off like they’re doing everyone a favor.

Wait…She took TWO DIFFERENT pies to Dine with NIne!? Fuck. Is this what it was like to work news on the watergate trial? I just can’t keep up. Only instead of it being just wave after wave of lies coming to light, its wave after wave of pies.

Tuesday November 11

“Heading back home form our 2nd Dine with Nine & stopping to get gas in the car on the way. This time we had 11 at dinner!”

Now, you can tell mom’s been reading the blog because last time she did Dine with Nine she had 10 people there and I made a joke about it. This time, I’m just plain outraged. Don’t these Christians know how to count? Now is the appropriate time to dig out of your hope chest those forgottten late nineties pre-livestrong bracelets that asked us the ever-important question “What Would Jesus Do?” Well I know Jesus would say “Nope. Its nine, people. Nein!” Probably.

Well, I hope your generosity was worth it, mom.