Monday January 26.  10:05pm

“Watching a movie & eating popcorn & cheese had a late session meeting so made it dinner!”

Wow. I think this is the first time in the history of knowing my mother and father that they have had popcorn movie night on a MONDAY. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed. I should outline that, like a great many things my parents do, the popcorn is NEVER by itself. She mentioned cheese. Now what you’re probably visualizing is the usual version of this brand of laziness. You’re picturing my parents microwaving a bag of Orville Redenbacher, grabbing a hunk of medium cheddar cheese out of the fridge, and cueing up Netflix to watch season 3 of Friends. They are grabbing fistfuls of popcorn while passing a half-unwrapped block of cheese between them and taking bites directly into the cheese. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but this is not so. Eating popcorn involves, you guessed it, a mother-effing tray.

When my mom says they are eating “popcorn & cheese”, what she really means is they are eating popcorn, apples, raisins, at least two kinds of cheese, at least 3 kinds of crackers, peanut butter, dried apricots, carrots, orange slices, and shit, maybe even some celery. This is their “off night”.

Wanna know what my “off night” looks like? Well it starts with listlessness and a strong desire to cook NOTHING. It usually results in an Amy’s Mattar Tofu frozen dinner (hey, at least its expensive. I mean, healthy. btw, I’m not vegetarian, I just reuse to stoop to Hungry Man dinners). And then I pour Sriracha sauce aaaalll over it. Then I have a seat in front my laptop and maybe watch like 3 episodes of The Fall. The whole dish looks a lot like this:

Nailed it.