Remember, you can view this on my tumblr as well.
Welcome back to the momWHATareyoudoing Christmas Blogtacular! In case you missed Part 1, you can find it here. Let’s see…the brussel sprouts are in the oven roasting with too much balsamic vinegar for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner, I just cracked my 5th beer at 3:00pm, and I’m due at the early Christmas service at 4:30. I’d say we’re ready. Before we get started, let’s check back in with our special guest, Lawrence Welk and this hipster dude with an accordion. Watch him tickle those ivories oh-so-smugly. Put him begrudgingly behind a Starbucks counter, add a moustache and/or thick-rimmed glasses and wait for him to judge your peppermint latte order. But whatever, its Christmas so get it Santi or whatever the fuck a large is there.
Per part 1 of the Blogtacular, I will be reviewing some of the finer decorations my mother mounts every year. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get started with some of the nativity scenes, or as my mom calls them, crêpes.
09—The tiniest nativity ever
Here we have the tiniest nativity ever in a little bread tray. Cuuuute! Anyone else notice that there are TWO babies in this picture? We got baby Jesus all up in the center (as it should be), but wait…who the hell is that holding another baby? She’s right behind baby Jesus. Some dumbass brought their baby to Jesus’ birth!? Maybe it’s a doll. Jesus is too young for that shit! He doesn’t want a doll, he want to sleep and cry and eat and poop. He doesn’t even need frankincense or myrrh, but he’ll get it anyway. Welcome to life, Jesus. I’m just saying, the three Wisemen, in their infinite wisdom, could have sprung for a ROOM once they realized this lady gave birth in the place where animals eat and shit all over the place.
10—The Official nativity
Now you know this is THE nativity of the house because it looks like if you breathe on it too hard, it will break. I can’t even tell you how many times those Angel wings have been hot glued back onto her brittle, fragile spine. It may be true that every time a bell rings, an angel gets it wings, but it is also true that every time a child coughs without covering their mouth, an angel’s porcelain wings get put in the microwave. Joseph looks like he’s doing some talking down there, which is bogus, since, as Simon Birch pointed out long ago, Joseph didn’t really do anything. One of the things I’m continually struck by in nativity scenes is the utter cleanliness of the stables. I’d say there’s a market for more realism in the stable department. Look kids, instead of breaking this precious angel’s wings every ten seconds she gets in a fight with your Ninja Turtles, how about you grab that miniature shovel and muck out the stables!
11—A sparkly nativity
I mean, why not make it sparkly? I believe this set is a multicultural/hispanic selection. It should be noted that all of these mentioned nativity scenes are in the same room.
12—OMG ITS SANTA
This is yet another (tasteful) Christmas village. This time, Santa isn’t thieving anything, He’s just chopped down a snow-laden Christmas tree and turned it into his personal umbrella. Nice move, Santa. This Christmas village was my mom’s mom’s. Did you get that? My mamaw’s. Apparently, this particular vintage style of Christmas village is coming back into style, probably because people are tired of a-holes like this going overboard. Again, Christmas village, not Christmas municipality. My mom’s a trendsetter and she’s not even on Pinterest, so get your grubby hands off her style and think of your own shit.
Now THESE Christmas tins are laden with goodies. And kitties on the side. It’s the internet, so I figured if anyone was ever going to look at this post I would have to tag it with #christmaskitty. So, you’re all welcome.
Okay, so I’ll try to go light on these. Mainly because my mom said she played with the angel in the middle a lot as a child. And I applaud her for having such a nice keepsake to share the Christmas memories. I’m a little more concerned with the whitewashed children(?) flanking the angel. Racist much, wax candle makers? It is less evident in this photograph, but I can assure you those are blond hair, blue-eyed, uber-white wax figures. One day the master race will rise again, as we all know, and when that happens, those figurines will come to life and cleanse us all of our tainted blood. Merry Christmas!
Yep. Definitely not enough sparkles yet. Oh right there’s a shiny bell, too.
16—The Christmas Train
Ding ding ding! Here comes the Christmas train! It only has room for Santa, so back off, kids. This thing has been around FOREVER so I have no idea how old it is or who it came from. Probably the 1880s.
17—The Christmas Tree
I didn’t do a whole shot of the tree, because this pretty much nails it. From this one shot we can deduce much information. The tree is a Fraser Fur—“The Cadillac of Christmas Trees” as my forester Papaw says, and which SOMEBODY recalls every Christmas out loud. It’s kind of a big deal, but also, not. We live in Western North Carolina, which is the second largest Christmas tree producing state next to Oregon. True Fact! (One of the only facts on this fine blog of mine). Also we can see the tree has colored lights. “Fuck white lights”—my mom, every Christmas. Blog followers know my parents have been stringing up popcorn and cranberries all damn December, and here in this example shot we see the fruits, ahem, of their labor. Finally, there are handmade ornaments, 80 percent of which are dedicated to 1982, the year of my brother’s birth. He’s a first-born so after that, who really cares.
18—One of those decorative gel candles no one lights. ever.
Seriously we were gifted this in the late 90s. When that sad day comes when my parents die, we’ll have to figure out what to do with it.
19—Sparkly Santa night-light
This picture doesn’t do it justice, because the damn thing is FULL of glitter. When the bulb gets hot enough, the tube on top just blows glitter around inside like CRAZY. When you find your way into the bathroom at night, you are greeted with a miniature party as you take your 4th shit in 24 hours. Thanks, gravy.
Nope. They aren’t real, they’re just REAAL glittery.
Alright boys and girls, that pretty much wraps it all up. Thanks for reading all my senseless and curt ramblings. Wait. Wait. What’s that in the distance?
Oh shit, it’s the Christmas T-Rex.
Yep, it’s the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park 1, of course. There are no other Jurassic Parks besides 1 and 2. (I’m looking at you, Chris Pratt). It’s my own personal addition to my mother’s fine decorating mystique.
I busted it out last year, when my wife and I lived at my parents. I was inspired by the good folks over at Dinovember as well as by my friend Pete who said when he lived at home with his parents, he put Ninja Turtles in his mom’s Christmas village. So my wife and I quickly followed suit.
Fuck Elf on a Shelf, Christmas T-Rex is watching you.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Thanks for reading.
Please reblog, share it, and all that good stuff. momWHATareyoudoing makes a great stocking stuffer, just shove your ipad in their stocking with the tumblr page loaded up. When they freak out and cry because you aren’t giving them your ipad, just reassure them you are giving them the gift of comedy.