Sunday October 12

“Researching coffee makers online trying to find where we can go buy a new one tomorrow. Ours quit working last Thursday when we put it on the cleaning cycle! Also watching “wildest Islands” documentary on Sri Lanka.”

My mother’s love for coffee is paralleled only by the love she has for her children. No…it supersedes them. If only because it came before we did. You might be wondering, what is there to research in a coffee maker? Oh, my friend, you have much to learn. My parents have SO MUCH criteria for a coffee maker. I will go through not a priority list, but a list of must-haves for their primary coffee maker. Did I mention they have two extra coffee makers? Yes, when the apocalypse comes, my parents will be making coffee while the world goes to hell. And beignets. We’ll get to that later.

Let me count the ways. 1) The coffee maker must have a timer feature so that they don’t have to push the button and the coffee is ready for them as soon as they wake up. It is preferable, but not mandatory, that the timer have a backup battery in case of power outages. 2) The coffee maker must come equipped with a vacuum/thermos style stainless steel carafe into which the coffee is brewed. This is important not just for resilience of the carafe. To be sure, this carafe will endure some beatings, but mainly because the coffee must stay HOT AS FUCK FOREVER. 3) The stainless steal carafe must have at least 8 cup capacity, preferably 10. These folks host people better and more often than the Hampton Inn. They need some serious capacity in their kitchen. They would order an industrial coffee maker if it would fit on their counter. I have no doubts.

4) And the final, arguably most important deal-breaker is the coffee that is brewed must be ungodly hot. UnGODLY. If that coffee maker doesn’t produce coffee that welds heavy metals together…just fuck it. If the coffee maker doesn’t produce heat on par with the nuclear fusion of a thousand suns, you might as well try and use it as luggage—that would be a better purpose than a vessel for tepid water. My mother in particular requires that coffee and any other “hot” meal be at or near boiling. The most frustrating part of this last criteria is that you can never really tell how hot a coffee maker will be until you plug it into your own home and run it.

This coffee maker has got some shoes to fill.

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